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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24424552">Little Beast</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/allsmilesoverhere/pseuds/allsmilesoverhere'>allsmilesoverhere</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>GOT7, JJ Project</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Richard Siken, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Recreational Drug Use, Sex Mentions, Suicide Attempt, Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:15:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24424552</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/allsmilesoverhere/pseuds/allsmilesoverhere</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sad jjp inspired by Richard Siken's poem - Little Beast</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>wooooo so i kept the chapters short as i didnt want to butcher my ideas by stretching them out. Not much context given chapter to chapter so let ur imagination flow freely</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaebeom likes pretty things. When he saw Jinyoung, he wanted to make him his pretty thing. A half drunk buzz cradled Jaebeom as he introduced himself against a backdrop of the ongoing night, midnight blues lapping the edges of the skyline. But Jaebeom was feeling darker than the sky that night, he wanted to show Jinyoung how dark he could be.</p><p>As Jinyoung spoke, he couldn't focus on what he was saying, words nervously tumbling out of his pretty mouth, all Jaebeom could think was how much he wanted to tear him apart. Perfect things should not exist in this world, there was no place for them, Jaebeom wanted Jinyoung to feel what he did. </p><p>Jaebeom thought that he would probably kiss his knuckles before he punched Jinyoung, and not stop until he was on top of the other, his hands were bloody, and out of breath. He wondered how beautiful Jinyoung would look with bruises high on his cheekbones, sweat slicking his skin as he tried his hardest to fight back. He thought about letting Jinyoung land a few punches on him, the taste of blood in his mouth gave him butterflies. </p><p>Having not listened to a single word that had left Jinyoung's mouth, he pulled him into a kiss. Jinyoung kissed back, Jaebeom knew he would. Hands found skin, sneaking under t-shirts, creeping under waistbands. Jinyoung gasped as Jaebeom’s hand found his neck, grabbed snugly enough to send fear and arousal racing through him.</p><p>Jaebeom wanted to be like him, unaware of what it feels like to drown in an all consuming darkness, his mind wandering. And just for a second, he was no longer thinking about what he would do with his hands.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Arguments over the phone never go well. Jaebeom found them tedious, not being able to articulate well enough, unable to express body language. He had no time for them, he preferred to do it face to face. </p><p>This one was about how Jinyoung wished Jaebeom would look after himself better, Jaebeom had stopped listening when he realised what Jinyoung was shouting about. He wished he could bring himself to care.<br/>
He wishes he could bring himself to care about anything, these days. He knew what it was to burn the candle at both ends, but now he feels like the candle has burnt itself out. No wick, no wax, nothing to keep it going, that his flame stuttered for a moment like it was caught in a breeze (he thinks that meeting Jinyoung did that), and now the flame has vanished. Only leaving a trail of smoke in its wake. </p><p>Jaebeom thought he was the trail of smoke, existing but not, only being there because the light of his former self had ceased to exist. Running on fumes too maybe, he thought was also aptly fitting. </p><p>Jinyoung bargained with him on the phone to explain why he was acting like this, doing the things he is. “You wouldn’t understand” was Jaebeom’s mantra during the phone call. He wouldn’t. What does Jinyoung know of feeling absolutely nothing? The only reason Jaebeom acts out is to feel anything, anything at all. Pain and hunger are not substitutes for happiness and joy but it’s as close as he is able to get. </p><p>Explaining something is when you know you have failed, when the reasoning alludes you and to break it down into digestible pieces of information is when the idea becomes a failure. Unable to catch and spark in somebody's mind. </p><p>When Jaebeom opens his mouth to explain, words die in his mouth, as he remembers that it was Jinyoung who told him that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last time, of that Jaebeom is sure. </p><p>Jinyoung was fresh out of the shower, draped in a towel, trying to find a pair of socks when he found Jaebeom’s suicide note in the drawer. Jinyoung didn’t know how to feel, but Jaebeom was at least glad that at least now, Jinyoung knows it is going to happen, and won't be that much of a shock. </p><p>Jaebeom had written it when he was bored, one sunny afternoon. He didn’t put much thought into it, lazily writing a few lines, a shitty excuse. He thought it would be one less thing to do when the time arrived, in which he felt compelled to end his life. One less formality of getting in his way when the mood finally took him. He shoved it in his underwear drawer for safekeeping. </p><p>He had never imagined anyone finding it, so didn’t know how to react. On the contrary, Jinyoung was distraught. Much like any lover, he had blamed himself, even though Jaebeom was very much alive. That night Jinyoung had swore to rekindle their relationship, without Jaebeom saying a word. </p><p>He didn’t know how much longer he would be able to hold on. He just wanted to disappear, blend in, not be Jaebeom anymore. Jinyoung would never understand, his life mattered to him. Jinyoung said words but they were not much help, Jaebeom felt like he was trying to represent something he was not part of.</p><p>Jaebeom didn’t want to make a name for himself. He wanted to fall off the earth without a single trace. There are many names that will be remembered once all of this is said and done. One hundred years from now, people will be talking about history. Talking about places and names. But Lim Jaebeom and Park Jinyoung are not names that will be remembered.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took some thinking, but Jaebeom realised that he was jealous of Jinyoung. How Jinyoung didn’t care that he wasn't going to make a name for himself, that he was prepared to blend in with the masses. How badly he wanted to be Jinyoung’s brand of “normal”. It was all Jaebeom thought about recently.</p><p>When the first thoughts of killing himself ebbed into his head, Jaebeom was so scared. It used to make him cry, until the thoughts screamed louder and louder until they accompanied his every action and he came to accept it as a fact. When he started listening to the voice that told him it was a good idea, notions of death ran through his head like honey, beginning to soothe any fear he had about his own demise. </p><p>The voice had patience and understood Jaebeom, understood it takes time to build up the nerve to do what he was planning to. The long nights that ran into mornings, when Jaebeom was still awake when the birds began to sing, the voice told him it was ok, that his time was soon. </p><p>One morning when he woke up, he knew that would be the day. The voice was nowhere to be found, like it knew it had done its job, and let Jaebeom take over. A text to one of his shadier friends sorted Jaebeom out with everything he could possibly want to take.</p><p>Jaebeom felt nothing beautiful about what he was doing. Taking every pill he could find in his apartment. It was desperate and disgusting, how he embarrassed himself. He laid on his bed and closed his eyes, thinking back to the first time he met Jinyoung. How when the lights hit his eyes, they turn into pools. It made him feel like it was the summer, and he wanted to go for a swim, how he wanted to drown in the pools. </p><p>Jinyoung felt nothing beautiful when he found Jaebeom an hour later. Still nothing beautiful when he was sat at his bedside in the hospital. He didn’t wait for Jaebeom to wake up before he left the hospital, and text him that they were breaking up. Citing he couldn't do this anymore.</p><p>Eventually when Jaebeom saw the text, he couldn’t help but think that was fair enough.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaebeom carried on feeling absolutely nothing. He got so close to the end and he didn’t care. Did he want to do it again? He remained unsure. He continued existing, simply because that was the choice that required the least amount of effort. </p><p>He wasn’t mad at Jinyoung, he did what anyone would have. </p><p>Sometimes he lets his fingers trail over old scars on his wrists, all uneven in shape and colour. Some went white, the oldest ones, but some are still sickly pink-purple, he hated the colour so much. Jinyoung never mentioned them, he wondered if the younger had been too afraid, or ashamed. He wondered that if he had asked Jinyoung nicely enough, would the boy hurt him, on purpose. Would he beat him bloody, would he hold him under in the bath, would he carve into Jaebeom’s arms for him, if Jaebeom was too tired to do so. </p><p>Once or twice a day, Jaebeom catches his reflection, and it hurts. It’s an ache in his chest that stays for hours, even though he rips his eyes away from what he sees immediately. He didn’t see a man, he saw a ghost. He’d not seen a man in his reflection for years. He noticed one day that he didn’t look like himself and ever since, Jaebeom’s version of what he looked like in his head faded so much, he forgot it. </p><p>He wanted to know when the ghost in the mirror had grown so pale, hair so gotten so long, when did he turn from man to apparition. Was it before or after he tried to kill himself, or before or after he met Jinyoung, he shook his head. Since when did Jinyoung become a scapegoat for all of this? He didn’t even love him, he was just in the wrong place at the right time, to get caught in Jaebeom’s crossfire with himself. </p><p>Jaebeom hoped Jinyoung had managed to move on, but after finding his boyfriend half dead in bed, Jaebeom can’t imagine he will have.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All it took was one text to his shady friend he bought pills from, to be hanging out with him and his friends on a friday night. Jaebeom was in the mood to do something, anything, to feel. When they plied him with pills and booze, and he started to feel, one friday, became every friday, became every weekend. Sometimes their weekends ran from Thursday thru till Monday, but he wasn't complaining. </p><p>He had grown disillusioned with fucking men and women. He couldn't be bothered to muster the effort it takes, and resigned himself to being the one getting fucked instead. He could just close his eyes and let it happen. Sometimes if he was good, they’d shove a pill into his mouth, or pass it to him in a kiss. Would Jinyoung do this to him if he’d have asked? Would Jinyoung let him get fucked and used, become everybody’s favourite pretty boy? </p><p>Occasionally, Jaebeom would wake up not knowing where he was. Sometimes it was hotel rooms, somebody's apartment, in a car. But he didn’t care. He didn't care about anything. He couldn't care, even when he tried. The new group he’d found himself a part of were nice enough, except sometimes he’d find himself amongst hot-shot crime lord wanna-be types. Jaebeom found himself getting picked on by them, but he knew it’s because he was the prettiest in the room. He found they were rough with him, verbally and sexually. The first time he got beat black and blue during sex, he wished they gone just a little further, letting him choke to death on his own blood.</p><p>Jaebeom let himself get manhandled into a car, speeding at nearly twice the limit through some kind of industrial estate. He got excited, thinking that one wrong turn at this speed means they’d all die. He got even more excited when the car came to a halt, the front passenger opening the glovebox to take out a handgun, silver and glinting in the light. It felt so bad, but Jaebeom was glad to be feeling something.</p><p>A hand found its way to his chin, turning Jaebeom to face the man who put him in the car, before pressing a wet, rough kiss onto his mouth. Jaebeom couldn't help but laugh. Then he was gone. They all left the car but him. Jaebeom slumped back, not trying particularly hard to fight off the feeling of passing out. </p><p>He found it funny. The pills they take for fun are the same ones he tried taking too many of.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One particularly rough weekend left Jaebeom in bed, hardly able to move. He’d fought, fucked, then fought again. Images of shards of glass embedded in his knuckles burnt behind his eyelids.</p><p>He thought about Jinyoung again, he imagined him on top of him, knees either side of his chest, pounding his face with his perfect fists, until he could feel blood from his nose running down his throat, how there would be a spark of excitement in Jinyoung’s dark eyes. </p><p>Jaebeom ached. The cuts on his hands, his lower back and thighs, he’d not checked but he’s sure bruises on his neck were deepening in colour, feeling them throb. For the second time, he’d decided he’d had enough. Whatever he had managed to feel these past few weeks had been a good distraction from his usual agonizing emptiness, but he couldn't carry on. He thought about carrying on, letting his behavior and the drugs destroy him, but that would take too long. </p><p>Jaebeom drew a scalding hot bath, and proceeded to take anything he could get his hands on. Painkillers, sleeping tablets, antidepressants, anything. He lowered his naked form into the bath, dried blood diluting the water to pale pink, grazes stinging, demanding to be tended to. He leant his head back, resting uncomfortably on the cool porcelain. Staring up at the ceiling, he didn’t have a single thought until he felt the tablets kicking in. The bath had cooled significantly but he felt his body begin to burn up, feeling light headed.</p><p>He closed his eyes as he thought about what he did all those months ago, when he first met Jinyoung. How he was so perfect, that Jaebeom wanted to ruin him. He really wanted to bring Jinyoung down to his level, make him want to die with him, have a beautiful companion just for the end. He thought about Jinyoung underneath him, gazing up into his eyes, split lip oozing red across his teeth. When Jaebeom saw the blood, all he could think was “I wish that was mine”.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope u enjoyed that my dudes , sorry its sad n that</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thnk u 4 readin</p><p>wrote the whole thing in a couple of hrs , not rly checked it more than once ~</p></blockquote></div></div>
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